To be Polite
Adapted from Face to Face: A Cross-Cultural Workbook, by Virginia Vogel Zanger, Heinle and Heinle Publishers, Boston, MA, 1985, Chapter 4: Polite.
Vocabulary
alcohol: beer, wine, Wiskey, or other kinds of liquor.
Example: Some religious groups do not drink alcohol.
If you drink a little alcohol you can enjoy it. If you drink too much alcohol you can become drunk and sick.
guest: someone visiting another person’s home.
Example: When I invite friends to eat dinner in my home I try to serve foods my guests will enjoy.
In North America, some people invite 500 friends to their wedding.
Other people only have family members as guests at their wedding.
John tried hard to be a polite guest according to the rules of his culture.
host: a person who invites guests to her or his home to entertain them; the person who is giving a party.
Example: A good host tries to help her or his guests feel comfortable.
When John got to the party, his host greeted him at the door in a very friendly way.
impolite: not polite; not considerate or kind; rude; not nice.
Example: In North America, when someone gives you a gift, it is polite to say “thank you.” If you do not say “thank you” people will think that you are impolite.
What is polite in one culture is sometimes quite impolite in another culture. if you are invited to a North American wedding, it is polite to tell the person who invited you if you cannot come.
It is impolite not to tell them.
informal: not fancy or formal; casual; without ceremony.
Example: When you are invited to a party that is informal you should not wear a suit or a formal dress. You can wear a good looking casual outfit to an informal party.
Many North Americans like to be informal.
At formal North American weddings, guests wear very fancy clothes, but at informal weddings guests wear attractive fashionable casual clothing.
invitation: a written or spoken way to ask someone to come to something.
My friend sent me an invitation to her wedding.
Some North American party invitations ask the guests to bring some food to share with the other people at the party.
slang: language not used in formal situations, and not often found in the dictionary.
Example: “Buddy” is a slang word meaning “friend.”
“Booze” is a slang expression for liquor.
A slang expression for “to get married” is “to tie the knot.”
JOHN’S STORY
John, a North American, was happy when his Saudi Arabian neighbor invited him to a party at his apartment just down the hall in the same apartment building. John left work early the night of the party to buy something to bring. He made a special trip to the neighborhood liquor store to buy a bottle of his favorite white wine for the party.
When John got to the party, his host, Mazen, greeted him at the door in a friendly way. He put his arm around John’s shoulders and said, “Oh, John. I’m so glad you could come.”
John answered, “Howlre you doing, Mazen? Looks like a great party. Here, I brought you some of my favorite wine.”
Mazen took the wine but said nothing about it. Then he said, “I’d like you to meet my sister who came from Riad, my city, just two days ago.”
John reached out to shake Mazen’s sister’s hand, but she just stood there, and stopped smiling. John decided that she was probably shy. So he tried to be especially friendly to her. They had a nice conversation until Mazen ended it.
John was saying to Mazen’s sister, “So, it looks like your brother is going to show you the town.” Because John was feeling very friendly to his host and his host’s sister, he put one arm around each of them. Mazen suddenly looked very serious.
He stood up and took John by the arm and said, “Come over here and try some of our food.”
John enjoyed himself very much at the party that night. He couldn’t believe how much food Mazen had prepared. As he was leaving, he realized that he had not seen his bottle of wine. He decided that in all the confusion, Mazen had probably forgotten to open it.
Questions
1. Why did John buy the wine?
2. Why didn’t Mazen open it?
3. Why didn’t Mazen say anything to John about the wine?
4. Why didn’t Mazen’s sister shake hands with John?
5. Why did John put his arm around Mazen and his sister?
6. Why did Mazen suddenly end John’s conversation with his sister?
BACKGROUND
What is polite in one culture is sometimes impolite in another culture. John tried hard to be a polite guest according to the rules of his culture. In North America, people often bring wine or beerto a party. Infact, the invitations to many North American parties have the letters “B.Y.O.B.,” which means “Bring your own booze” (“booze” is a slang expression for alcohol). However, most Moslems, like Mazen, do not drink alcohol. Their religion forbids it. So John’s wine was not welcome at the party, although his host was too polite to say so. (Even in North America it is not always a good idea to bring alcohol: most states do not allow anyone under the age of 18 or 21 to buy alcohol, and some religious groups forbid it.)
John also showed little understanding of Arab culture when he tried to shake hands with Mazen’s sister. By North American customs, he was just trying to be polite. But in Moslem cultures, the most impolite thing a man can do is to touch a woman who is not his wife. John put his arm around Mazen and his sister to show his friendship. But to an Arab, that gesture would show the opposite: that John did not respect his sister. For that reason it was an insult to Mazen as well.
People all over the world want respect from others. But cultures show respect in different ways, as John’s experiences at Mazen’s party show. Some of these differences are explained by the values that each culture thinks are important.
For example, the North American custom of “B.Y.O.B.” can be explained by the fact that most North Americans think it is important to be informal and direct.
And Mazen did not serve wine at his party because one of the most important Saudi values is living by the laws of the Moslem religion.
VOCABULARY EXERCISE
Study the sentences below. The words are defined in parentheses.
generosity
hospitality
prayer
table manners
toast
1. An example of generosity is giving money to the poor.
(giving freely of one’s time or money; being generous)
2. Giving parties is one way that people show their hospitality.
(making guests feel welcome; friendliness to guests)
3. Will there be a prayer before the meal?
(silent or spoken communication to God; the act of praying)
4. Eating with the left hand is seen as bad table manners in Arab cultures.
(eating customs)
5. Is there a toast before the meal?
(with drinking glasses lifted, a few words said in honor of someone or something)
Directions
In each numbered sentence, fill in the blank with the best word from the above vocabulary list. Change tense and singular and plural where necessary.
1. “Salud,” meaning “health,” is a popular Spanish —- .
2. “My house is your house” is a Spanish proverb showing the importance of —-in that culture.
3. In cultures where —- is an important value, one never eats in front of others without first offering them some food.
4. Some North Americans say a —- before a meal; this is sometimes known as “saying grace.”
5. Talking with your mouth full is bad —- in many, but not all, cultures.
QUESTIONNAIRE 1.
TO BE POLITE
Imagine that you are invited to a party given by a friend from your culture. Answer the following questions “yes” or “no” according to the customs of your culture. Then note down any explanation why.
1. Imagine that you are invited to a small graduation party given by a friend from your culture. Do you bring along something to eat or drink? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
2. You bring your friend a gift for his graduation. Do you expect him to open it during the party? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
3. At the party, your friend introduces you to his cousin, a woman who is about thirty years old. is it polite to call her by her first name? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
4. Your friend’s cousin invites you to a party at her house next week, but you know that you will be busy then. Do you tell her you will come anyway, just to be polite? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
5. You take out a pack of cigarettes. To be polite, do you offer them first to your friend and his cousin? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
6. You are thirsty. Do you ask your host for a drink? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
7. You tell your friend how much you like his house. Do you ask him how much it cost or how much he pays in rent? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
8. Everyone sits down to eat together. Is there a prayer or a toast before the meal? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
9. The food is delicious, but you are not hungry. Do you finish everything on your plate to be polite? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
10. If you want a little more food, is it polite to ask for more? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
11. If your host asks you if you want more to eat, do you first say “no” to be polite? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
12. After dinner, do you help take the dishes to the kitchen, to be polite? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
13. After eating, everyone leaves the table to relax. Are you shocked when your host rests his feet in front of him on a low table or chair? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
14. Several days after the party, you want to tell your friend what a good time you had. is it impolite to go over to his house, without calling first? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
QUESTIONNAIRE 2.
TO BE POLITE IN NORTH AMERICA
interview a North American with the following questionnaire. Ask the person to try to answer the questions “yes” or “no.” Make up one question of your own. Write down any new vocabulary that you learned during the interview at the end of the questionnaire.
1. Imagine that you are invited to a small graduation party given by a North American friend. Do you bring along something to eat or drink? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
2. You bring your friend a gift for his graduation. Do you expect him to open it during the party? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
3. At the party, your friend introduces you to his cousin, a woman who is about 30 years old. Is it polite to call her by her first name? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
4. Your friend’s cousin invites you to a party at her house next week, but you know that you will be busy then. Do you tell her you will come anyway, just to be polite? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
5. You take out a pack of cigarettes. To be polite, do you offer them first to your friend and his cousin? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
6. You are thirsty. Do you ask your host for a drink? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
7. You tell your friend how much you like his house. Do you ask him how much it cost or how much he pays in rent? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
8. Everyone sits down to eat together. Is there a prayer or a toast before the meal? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
9. The food is delicious, but you are not hungry. Do you finish everything on your plate, to be polite? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
10. If you want a little more food, is it polite to ask for more? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
11. If your host asks you if you want more to eat, do you first say “no” to be polite? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
12. After dinner, do you help take the dishes to the kitchen to be polite? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
13. After eating, everyone leaves the table to relax. Are you shocked when your host rests his feet in front of him on a low table or chair? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
14. Several days after the party, you want to tell your friend what a good time you had. Is it impolite to go to his house, without calling first? Explain why you answered “yes” or “no.”
15. (Your own question)
Person interviewed:
New vocabulary
INDIVIDUAL ANALYSIS
Compare the yes/no answers that you wrote down on Questionnaires 1 and 2.
1. How many of the same questions received the same “yes” or “no” response on both questionnaires?
2. Write the number of each question that received different responses, that is, “yes” on one questionnaire and “no” on another.
3. Choose one question from those that you listed in answering question 2, and explain why the answers are different if you can.
4. Choose one of the customs from Questionnaire 1 and explain it in terms of one value that is important in your culture (for example, generosity, hospitality, religion).
5. Choose one of the customs from Questionnaire 2 and explain it in terms of one value that is important in North American culture.
GROUP ANALYSIS
In class, compare the different answers from North Americans interviewed with Questionnaire 2.
1. Did all the North Americans interviewed respond with the same “yes” or “no” answers to all the questions?
2. For those questions to which some North Americans answered “yes” and some “no,” compare the explanations they gave for their answers.
3. Discuss the questions that each student made up and the answers given by the North Americans interviewed.
4. Review the responses that you and your classmates gave to question 5 of the Individual Analysis, the question about North American values.
Additional Activities
ROLE PLAY
Practice using your understanding of polite behavior in different cultures by role-playing in small groups the following situations:
1. A North American party like the one described in Questionnaire 2.
2. A party given by someone from your culture, attended by a North American who tries to be a polite guest according to the customs of North American culture.
3. A party given by a North American, attended by someone from your culture who tries to be a polite guest according to the customs of your culture.
ADDITIONAL INTERVIEWS
1. Changes in North American customs
Are North American social customs the same today as they were in the past? Using the questions on Questionnaire 2, interview an older North American about what it was like in the past. At the beginning of the interview, explain to the North American you are interviewing: ” Imagine that you are attending a party during the time when your parents (or your grandparents) were young. How long ago was that? Answer the questions according to what people thought was the polite way to act back then.”
After your interview, compare the answers with your first interview with a North American and decide what customs have changed in modern North American society.
2. What your clothes say about you
Every culture gives special meaning to clothing. For example, in North America, brides wear white, the color of purity, while in China, brides are married in red, the color of good luck. Find out what a North American thinks is correct and incorrect clothing for different situations.
Ask questions like,
What do North Americans wear to a formal wedding?
How can you tell if someone has good or bad taste from their clothes? 3. More on politeness and respect
Ask a North American how politeness and respect are shown in different situations, for example:
when you talk to a clerk at a store,
when you answer the telephone,
when you go to a home for dinner,
when you ask your boss for some time off,
when you meet your professor on the street.
4. Table manners
First, think about the table manners in your own culture.
For example, what things did your parents teach you never to do at the table?
What did they teach you always to do when eating?
Make a list.
Then interview an North American about the table manners he or she was taught as a child, asking the two questions above. Discuss your list with the North American and ask how many of the table manners from your culture are the same as those inNorth America.
When you see a North American acting in an impolite way, how can you tell if it is because of cultural differences or because of rudeness? Sometimes it is difficult to know, but it is a question you must always ask yourself. Think over your experiences, and give two examples.
First, describe a situation where a North American acted impolitely by the customs of your culture, but not by North American customs. Then describe a situation where a North American acted impolitely by North American customs.